HolaPapi: 'I don’t understand why it is, but no one seems to reach out to me first. Whether it’s hookups or friends, I’m the one who has to make the plans.' jpbrammer responds
I don’t mind being the one to do it. If I want to talk to someone or see someone, I reach out. If I’m thinking of someone, I try to let them know. Loneliness is all at once a personal affliction and a mutual problem.
I have also, from time to time, asked for a check-in on certain friendships. If you’re close, and if it’s appropriate, it’s fine to ask what they’re feeling and let them know how you feel. This is communication, and it can be hard, but it can make your relationships healthier. This goes beyond the friends I already have, too. If I want to hang out with someone, or if I want to try getting closer to them, I ask. I know this is anxiety-inducing and can feel incredibly awkward, but I have limited time on this planet and I’d rather try and fail to connect than keep to myself until I’m dead.
Now, look, I’m not saying this will suddenly fix everything, and I’m not saying to bother anyone. This is one of those situations where every kind of advice feels inadequate. I don’t like being ignored. I don’t like feeling second banana. Playing second banana? Being second banana? I actually don’t like that saying, either. Forget it.
It is the case that some friendships just aren’t working, that you’re not getting what you need out of the dynamic, and it’s time to move on. It’s not fun, but that’s life. You can’t force these things. Sometimes you do have to find new people, which is a whole separate thingBut it’s better, I believe, to focus more on what you can do than on what you can’t. You can’t make people react to you a certain way. You can, however, change the way you act.
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