“When I have sex now, there’s this voice in my head second-guessing everything,” says Vogue writer Annie Lord as she wonders why she suddenly feels so insecure in bed.
A couple of months ago, I was having sex with someone who had broken up with his girlfriend quite recently. I found something in the specificity of his movements—the pressure he applied, the timings of things: pleasure, yes, but also the traces of the woman who came before me and how she liked to be touched.
Being with him made me think back to what I was like when I first started having sex with new people after my relationship ended. You’re supposed to be nervous to start over again, and I was, but I was still more confident than I am now. I’d been having sex most nights for five years, so being that close to someone didn’t seem like a big deal, nor did saying what I wanted and how I wanted it.
When I had sex with the man I mentioned earlier, I left soon afterwards. I bundled my stuff in my arms and went out to get an Uber. I guess I was scared of the vulnerability I felt. I thought I could outrun it. Really, I wanted to bury my face in his sheets, see how his soap smelled on my skin when I got in his shower.
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