SoberQuestioning: 'I’m struggling with a partner who has displayed and admitted to alcoholic tendencies.' anamariecox responds
I’m struggling with a partner who has displayed and admitted to alcoholic tendencies. I’m wary of saying “he is an alcoholic” because I don’t feel equipped to make that diagnosis. But I know our toughest moments and arguments have occurred when he’s been drinking to the point of drunkenness, which happens frequently.
I’m feeling at a bit of an impasse as to how to handle it. I want to ask “When do I know it’s time to leave?” but I know I’m the only one who can answer that. Are there considerations or questions I should be asking myself to help me make that decision? First, sincere congratulations on the work you’ve already done: You understand that the diagnosis of an alcoholic isn’t yours to make, and you know you’re the only one who can really decide when it’s time to leave.
However, I need to be honest about the full spectrum of emotional fallout that came with those boundaries being drawn: I couldn’t help feeling isolated and helpless, which in part drove my depression and suicidal ideations. Of course, whether or not those feelings were really caused by other people’s actions is hard to say.
Wanting to err on the side of empathy is why your question is so much harder to answer when I think of it from where you are and where I’ve been. As I said, I’ve been the alcoholic and the loved one of an alcoholic. I have stayed in a relationship with someone whose behavior was erratic and often hurtful — twice — because I feared what would happen to them if I left.