For the latest edition of Can We Talk?, our sex and relationships column, relationship therapist MorayaLMFT tackles a question from someone struggling to find pleasure during sex after trying for a baby.
. During the best sex you might feel lost in a full-on fantasy — hardly grounded or aware of your surroundings.to get there, you must be able to focus, so if a negative thought pops in that pulls you away, you can let it pass. In these moments, it can be helpful to have ato say in your head so you can come back to the present moment. For example: “My body is capable of many things, including feeling pleasure." Or, “I am present in my body that is lovable.
All this will help bring you back to the idea that your body belongs to you and is not just there to procreate. It is capable of an infinite amount of things, including simply feeling joy. This is something you can also re-learn in therapy, if you’re open to it, have access to it, and this work feels daunting to do alone or with your partner only.
. Now, without a schedule to adhere to, there’s more pressure to feel turned on and ready out of the blue. This is easier for some than others. I would set yourself up for success by thinking about when you feel really safe together. Do you feel more connected after a deep conversation? Or when your partner helps check things off your to-do list? Do you like flirty texts all day so your mind is anticipating being together? Or are you more into being surprised by a sudden nibble on the back.
And, along the way, remember: Finding pleasure is not about going back to what your sex life once was, it’s about creating something new in the right now — something you can continue to build on for years to come.’s 24-hour hotline at 1-775-784-8090.DeGeare is a licensed marriage and family therapist, who specializes in intimacy, LGBTQIA+ relationships, mixed-culture couples, and racial identity development.
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