In newyorkerhumor, Nancy Pelosi might be ending her tenure as Speaker of the House, but that doesn’t mean she won’t D.M. you at 3 A.M. the next time that A.O.C. tries to pass the Purple New Deal.
You think having three medium oat-milk lattes is more important than the future of this country? Selfish! Our forefathers put their lives on the line and you can’t even give up some espresso?
I’m begging you, [Insert Name]. Are you going to just sit there in this moment of crisis or are you going to RISE UP with me and fight? Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight just projected that, by the time you finish reading this sentence, more than two people won’t donate to me. Statistics don’t lie. Can I count on you to do the right thing?
Fine, do whatever you want! It’s a free country , no thanks to you. Hope you enjoy your caffeinated beverage as Republicans desecrate our institutions and piss all over our checks and balances.O.K., nice! Thanks for the $15 donation, [Insert Name]. What am I going to do with it? Hmm . . . more cyborgs? ♦
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