Read an excerpt from GeenaRocero's memoir, HORSE BARBIE: 'Maybe I wanted to show that being trans couldn’t hold me back. Maybe I was vain — what aspiring model isn’t? But I think more than anything, I wanted to be seen'
Photo-Illustration: the Cut; John Legend/YoutubeI had just turned twenty-one when I got the call that I had been cast in a John Legend music video. It was 2005, almost a decade beforemagazine announced the “Transgender Tipping Point,” and no one — not John, not even my agent — knew my history. They couldn’t know. The modeling world was no place for an out trans woman. Not yet anyway. But I said yes, knowing I would have to hide — again.
You might think it would have been the other way around. The Philippines has a reputation for being a conservative Catholic country — and it is. We have centuries of Spanish rule to thank for that. But as journalist Carmen Guerrero Nakpil famously said, the Philippines spent “300 years in the convent and 50 years in Hollywood.” We embrace spectacle and theatricality with open arms. When I was growing up, Catholicism and trans beauty pageants inspired equal fanaticism.
I convinced myself that if I was always careful, if I remained hypervigilant, I wouldn’t get clocked on the job. As I prepared for the shoot, I thought about all the women who had made names for themselves by starring in sexy music videos. I mean, everyone remembers the iconic trio of Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington, and Linda Evangelista in George Michael’s video for “Freedom.” Helena Christensen’s role in the sensual black-and-white video for Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” sent her career into the stratosphere.
Ironically, I ended up dancing behind a curtain in the John Legend video. My body was on full display, but I was a silhouette. A shadow in lingerie. During takes, my moves were slow and deliberate. I tried to dance as sensually as I could, but each hair flip lengthened my neck, threatening to expose my Adam’s apple. What if the director zoomed in on it? Adrenaline surged through my body. My breathing sped up.
But when we got into the trailer, the stylist just wanted me to try on different color lingerie. I could breathe again. The adrenaline left my body all at once, draining me. I wanted to go home. We had started shooting at nine p.m., and it was already three a.m. But if I wanted my big break, I had to return to the lion’s den.
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