Scrupulosity is an obsessive compulsive disorder that focuses on moral rectitude and brings with it pathological guilt. In his new book, a Latter-day Saint author discusses how he learned to deal with the debilitating condition.
When did you first notice your scrupulosity?
Once I was in a grocery store, and all of a sudden I felt this need. I had stepped on the wrong tile….And for some reason, the tile was not only wrong, but it was offensive to God in some way, and I needed to kneel down and I needed to pray for forgiveness. I found an excuse to kind of look down on a shelf at the store, and I knelt down and I prayed forgiveness there in the store, [repeating the words, “Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ].
And he would say things like, “I know you’re worthy. You don’t need to ask me if you’re worthy.” And that was very helpful for me. I truly think that if I had a different bishop growing up, maybe someone who didn’t know me as well, it really could have added to my distress.[Yes.] Growing up in the church, when you’re in the youth program, there’s a lot of emphasis on not having sex. I was still a normal 14-, 15-, 16-year-old boy who was going through puberty.
I was called to the Washington, D.C., North Chinese-speaking mission, and we were the only Chinese-speaking missionaries in the Washington, D.C., area. [They] would not get up on time in the morning, which is one of the rules, and would sneak down to the business center of our apartment complex at night and watch television [a violation of mission rules]. This was the most distressing situation I could have possibly been in, because now I am in a position where no matter what I did, my companions are not going to follow the rules, and one of the rules is that I have to be in sight and sound of these people.
In either scenario, I am feeling that I am now unworthy. Unworthy of the Holy Spirit, which will lead me to people that need Jesus Christ. And it was just incredibly, incredibly distressing.By going to therapy and by shifting my theology. ... We believe that Jesus Christ paid for our sins. And we believe that no matter how good we are, we can’t be perfect enough for Jesus Christ to still not have to pay for our sins. OK.
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