Sam Thomas speaks about his recovery following a sexual assault in 2015 in this original essay.
I self-referred to a residential detox programme for ten days. During my admission, it had occurred to me that I was never in denial about my drinking. Instead, I was in denial about the catalyst that had propelled my drinking to a tipping point. Over the years, I'd experienced many traumas, including abuse when I was a child and homphobic bullying at school—the attack was my tipping point.
Over several years, I went through a number of psychiatric hospital admissions, suicide attempts and countless visits to the emergency room, I finally detoxed for the fourth and final time in November 2019. Although they were not successful, I don't see any of the detoxes I had as"wasted", as they helped me to prepare for a life of sobriety when I was ready.
By exploring all of this, I realized I had a tainted view of myself. Getting older— and hopefully wiser—I concluded that I needed to get back to the gym and begin to develop a positive relationship with myself. My daily gym visits became an anchor for my recovery and it gave a structure to my days that meant I also ate and slept properly too.
After a while, I began to get my confidence back, although it happened slowly. After being diagnosed with complex-post-traumatic stress disorder , I began to learn ways to manage my triggers better. Having a structure is integral to my recovery, as is going to the gym most days. Writing about my experiences has also helped me join up the dots and make sense of what I've endured.
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