“I scoured the multiverse in search of true peace—a world without Joe Rogan.” AliGFitzgerald writes about an epic mission.
“Do you want to try our newest flavor?” he asked. I felt sick as he pointed to a macaron with Napoleon’s favorite horse, Marengo, crudely drawn on it. “It’s flavored with horse dewormer!” he exclaimed. “Don’t listen to stuck-up doctors—the stuff will drive disease right out of your system.” I scanned a list of the other flavors—testosterone, beer, barbeque—then sprinted off, afraid to look back.
But, in Alternate Universe No. 2, far away from feminazi hashtags, I finally felt serene. Just as I was nodding off, one of the geysers started to convulse. It expelled a lime-green goo that congealed into the shape of a familiar face, which gurgled: “It’s hard for a chick to do comedy.” As I ran, the geyser sputtered, “Wokeness killed all the laughs—the last great comedic film was ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop Two’!’”My trip to Alternate Universe No. 3 began blissfully.
“Shall I activate your solar-powered entertainment hologram?” a train attendant dressed in a sustainable seaweed onesie inquired. I scrolled through documentaries about thriving monarch-butterfly colonies and advances in deëscalating dolphin conflicts before I saw him, surrounded by ivy, smiling at the camera. “Welcome to the Joe Rogan Nature Experience,” he intoned before grabbing a daffodil. “This little guy is the G.O.A.T.
I winced, but thought, This universe’s Joe Rogan is benevolent, at least. Then he ripped his shirt off and shouted, “Enough plant talk—it's time for some Mixed Mammal Martial Arts!” He pitted hedgehogs against chipmunks, squirrels against tree shrews, commenting from the sidelines, “Whoa, this dude is landing some serious blows with that bushy tail!” I sighed and headed to the next universe.
I went to thousands of other universes before giving up my quest to locate a Joe Rogan-free cosmos. Unlessheard of something? No? O.K. Then I suppose I’m stuck here. I may never achieve true Rogan-less peace, but at least now I know where to buy virility-enhancing hemp necklaces. ♦
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