Within four years, Dr. Carder Stout lost everything—including his home. He shares his story in this exclusive essay.
By all standards, I grew up in privilege. I was educated in private schools in Washington, DC and New Hampshire. My father was a prominent businessman who foundedBut the privilege of my parents' attention was rarely granted to me. My mother was an alcoholic who spent most of her time entertaining friends and my father traveled the globe more than he stayed at home. I felt they never really saw me. This hollow feeling of invisibility pre-empted my first bouts of addiction.
When I inhaled the powder, I was immediately transformed into a confident and charismatic version of myself. I moved to L.A. in 1999 to follow my dreams of becoming a filmmaker, and I produced a few independent films. But during this time in L.A., an old friend introduced me to crack. As I now know, my story is not unusual. So many people lose everything because of their inability to stop using drugs and alcohol.
It took a lot of hard work. My first step was to leave L.A. and move to Santa Fe, New Mexico. I had to remove myself from the central location of my addiction and all those who contributed to it. I worked with a wonderful therapist during this time, who taught me the power of forgiveness. I learned I had blamed my parents for my unhappiness. Through revisiting childhood experiences in therapy, I began to"re-parent" my younger self. I used visualizations and my imagination to spend time with the boy inside of me.
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