“Still, I feel under intense fire when a relationship raises a minor issue. Nothing I do matters. I am unlovable, unappreciated, and unworthy of affection. I become hyper-defensive, then over-analyze and feel insecure — for no justifiable reason.”
Romantic relationships have always had a profound effect on me and my view of the world, thanks in no small part to my ADHD. Love is empowering, safe, calming, addictive, thrilling — and sometimes toxic.
Every molehill became a mountain that Jane would force me to climb to gain her forgiveness for sins she had concocted. I was constantly tasked with explaining and earning back her love and trust. I always felt guilty and on edge because she conditioned me to believe I was devious — a strategy she used to compensate for her weaknesses and infidelity.Jane took every good thing I did for granted. She always expected more from me but gave relatively little in return.
The relationship ended when I discovered she was hacking and reading my private accounts while I was visiting my dying grandmother in the hospital. The week after my grandmother passed was the only time I asked for Jane’s support, but instead of prioritizing me, she made my life hell. I got very upset when I found out about the spying, but I wasn’t violent. Losing her control over me, she called the police.
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