7 reasons why people may act in ways that only serve to sabotage themselves—and how they can stop
These are conditioned responses and coping habits. They're restraints to acting in your best interest because they failed in the past. You'll automatically feel like criticizing your partner's choices, despite the repeated failures of criticism to make positive changes in the past.I'll use a client to illustrate each of the following points.
My client’s ego defenses make him react negatively to his wife’s resentment. But acting on his values helps him understand that she needs to feel safe before she can drop her defenses. Compassion and respect for boundaries will help her feel safe. of rejection that restrains him. This lessens his neediness, which had rendered him insensitive to boundaries and made his wife feel unsafe.
Never justify behaviors you want to change. Justifying seizes mental focus and increases the likelihood of repeating mistakes. Worse, adrenaline typically drives self-defeating behaviors. The brain craves adrenaline when resources are low. Justification gives it an excuse to seek adrenaline with the same behavior the next time you’re tired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed, or impaired.
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