Horoscopes from The Examiner's unqualified astrologer

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Horoscopes from The Examiner's unqualified astrologer
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This week’s horoscopes are full of big announcements – some of which may seem untimely and outright unnecessary.

Welcome back, San Francisco. It’s me, Carmela, hopefully your favorite universe whisperer — better than Pythia, Oracle of Delphi, better than Nostradamus. They very well could be! I’m not actually qualified to be giving you any astrological advice, so take what the stars have said to me with a healthy dose of skepticism.There are slime green lasers coming from your eyes this week, Sag. You’ve got the gift of goop. Whatever you set your sights on, you can expect to muck up.

There is a special type of glasses that golfers can use to find their lost ball in the rough. They’re just dark blue tinted sunglasses. Some pairs look exactly like “throat chakra” sunglasses, meant to inspire balanced focus and communication when you wear them. Coincidence? Yes, probably.The universe is going on about the emotional walls you put up, Cancer. Have you tried making a Bitmoji, babe? It really takes the edge off conversation.

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