Fatherhood is a recurring theme throughout the FinalFantasy series. That would play a major role in how I processed my strained relationship with my own dad.
Growing up without a father leaves a mark. How deep and debilitating that mark ends up being will vary based on each individual and on the situation that caused it in the first place. For me, my father marked me by cheating on my mother and all but abandoning me for the majority of my adolescence. All I wanted was an escape from my new reality at that time, and games like Final Fantasy offered it to me.
Related A recurring theme While fatherhood is a recurring theme throughout the Final Fantasy titles, some feature it more prominently than others. Final Fantasy XV has a character point where Noctis feels closest to his father when driving his car. That leads into a larger theme about found family, as the game’s four leads become a support system for one another, filling the absence of traditional family dynamics.
Without diving deep into the specifics of it all, the reason for my parent’s divorce came down to my father cheating on my mother. When I learned this, I had a hard time grasping it. The perspective I had of my father as a child was that of a somewhat goofy, rock ‘n’ roll-playing, but ultimately normal man. It was rare to see him angry, and it seemed like he was friends with everyone. After my siblings and I were told about the split, he almost completely vanished from our lives.
While I didn’t initially harbor hate for my father, speaking to those who knew him outside of my context, as Tidus did with the people of Spira, I began to develop those feelings. Just as Tidus felt so frustrated learning how everyone seemed to love and admire Jecht, I had to hold back my anger when hearing people speak highly of him while knowing what I knew.
As is common in life, I never got a “final confrontation” with my father in the same way Tidus did, and there were no good intentions obscured behind his evil actions. Instead, my reckoning with who he really was and how that changed who I wanted to be took years. The part of Cloud’s story that almost felt targeted at me specifically was the revelation that Cloud himself was an imposter. He had unknowingly taken on the personality of his own mentor, Zack, after suffering his own traumatic event. In the real world, we aren’t given the luxury of actually exploring our own minds to untangle our twisted insecurities and personalities shaped by our pasts so easily.
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