Former Latter-day Saint missionaries detail their bouts with mental illness.
My anxieties around serving a mission reach back before my service date. When I was 17, I began to experience suicide ideation because I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I felt cornered and hopeless. It was not until I was 19 that I began online Missionary Training Center training on May 13, 2020.
At our next interview, I told my mission president this. He recognized all my efforts, and that none of those things had worked for me. He agreed that it was time for me to go, with four months left of my service, and decide whether to finish as a service missionary. He called my parents and told them I was an incredible missionary, and he told me that if I decided to be done, then that was valid and enough and sufficient. I had finished my mission.
I remember losing control of my speech and body, and not knowing how to get it back. I remember crying and screaming and saying things that did not make any sense. I remember my companion trying to ask me questions to bring me back to reality and hearing my mouth reply with things that were not answers. I remember drawing on my face with lipstick and singing something.I remember the sister training leaders showing up and packing me an overnight bag, telling me I needed to go to the hospital.
I began cognitive behavioral therapy, which was life-changing, but my sessions were cut short after just three sessions due to transfers. I was not given any more professional help for the rest of my mission but had weekly calls with the assigned Latter-day Saint therapist, which probably saved me from suicidal ideation and even worse self-harm.
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