A psychologist shares how partners can move past the painful experience of betrayal to create a stronger, healthier marriage.
Infidelity is a betrayal of the deepest nature, compromising the very foundation of a marriage. This is true even when the affair is “only” emotional -- when a partner turns to someone other than their partner for deep personal connection. In the wake of an affair, many couples struggle intensely with the question of whether their relationship can heal.
There is no one single destiny for marriages after an affair. Each path forward is difficult, but it’s also as unique as each relationship. As Iin my brief video “After the Affair: How to Save Your Marriage,” there are couples that not just survive, but also thrive.
Listening again and again can be wearing, but it’s essential that the unfaithful partner be patient. They must remain empathic and compassionate, even as their spouse visits and revisits their past actions -- ones that they cannot change. Importantly, the hurt partner must ultimately be looking for their pain to be soothed and for reconnection, not just for retribution. Remaining deeply angry and clinging to a desire to emotionally beat up their spouse cannot repair the relationship; and it will only damage it further. However, hopefully, if their spouse can listen compassionately to their pain, they will eventually feel comforted. The pain will be eased, though not forgotten.
The hope is that your efforts can improve communication, increase caring interactions, and nurture a closer connection. This takes persistence and a commitment to returning to a loving relationship. While such efforts will not change the past or eliminate the pain of betrayal, you and your partner can use that painful past to create a stronger, healthier marriage.
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