Advice | Carolyn Hax: Parents fear their daughter isn't equipped to say no to her boyfriend's “very involved” extended family.
They are planning on getting an apartment together. She told me his two siblings are coming out to visit for 10 days once our daughter and her boyfriend move into their apartment, and his parents are also coming out shortly after that.
This visiting seems to be too much to us to impose on a young couple who won’t even have finished setting up their living situation and won’t have had time to settle into their lives together. They are also both undertaking professional doctoral programs that are very demanding.
Whenever all the answers to All the Things are pounding against your skull and begging you to express them to your obviously intelligent, capable and well-loved daughter who, this is what you say to yourself: “She’ll figure it out.” Her taste in “nice” men you plainly deem inferior notwithstanding. Even when she asks you directly, ask for her perspective first. Bite on a stick. You’re here to help her think, not to think for her. The figuring out is more instructive than even the best advice.
I am having an internal struggle trying to decide whether I should tell her how she came into this world. If she ever does a DNA test, she will certainly find out. I have a great, close relationship with her. Should I tell her? How? Or wait?Every day you wait is the day she could find out from a test. That day will be the worst one your “close relationship” ever has.
The only good way for her to find out is from you. Obviously you decided years ago that secrecy was your best option, and you will reverse yourself only because science is forcing your hand. Be ready to explain that to her, and the reasoning behind your original choice.
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